The Longest Day-Trip

My daughter’s dentist called to tell us that it is time for their 6 month check-up. My first reaction was, “Great, they don’t want me. Wheee!” My second reaction was, “Damn, I only have two weeks to put this together!”

See, the thing is, since we are proud users of public transportation, there is no such thing as a quick hop to anywhere. Every journey must be planned with military precision. Actually, more than that because soldiers know how to take orders and stick to a battle plan…

I usually adopt the persona of General George Patton planning his invasion of Sicily, though the results are more reminiscent of General Chaos and his invasion of the U.S. economy…

“Men, er, girls, um... hey, you guys, listen up! Our objective is this dental facility on the far side of the Las Vegas valley where we will rendezvous with the native group of Medicaid-friendly oral hygienic personnel. Now, as usual, transportation is to be provided by elements of the Citizens Area Transit, or CAT, bus system. While I understand that CAT bus drivers operate with wildly fluctuating degrees of temperament and reliability, keep in mind that these traits are the hallmarks of any business that has a monopoly on their services, so try not to take any attitudes personally.”

“OK, troops, ah, girls... hey, listen up already! Regarding supply lines: there are none, so each of you will requisition equipment and supplies to be self-contained, appropriate to summertime conditions in Las Vegas. Therefore, you’re TO&E will start with the following: light-weight clothing, to include clean socks and shoes that fit. Sandals are strongly discouraged because, as you may recall, the last foray we attempted with sandals caused each of you to get blisters and I had to carry everyone home. Since that incident you have all grown significantly taller and heavier, and I am sufficiently older now, so if anyone is going to be carried home this time, it will be me!”

“Next… Eden, where is Marina? To make a sandwich? You have not been dismissed for chow!”

“Marina, report back to the briefing room, you have not been dismissed! What? Ok, but I want mine with mustard and some chips on the side if we have any left, please, and some of those little pickles...”

“Alright, next men, um, girls… hey, pay attention! Augmenting the uniform of the day will be sun specific apparel, i.e. sun hats and sun glasses. Accessories will include sunscreen, SPF 75 or better, lip balm, eye drops and umbrellas for shade. Water bottles are to be filled with water. (This last instruction must be included or kids will leave the house with, 1) empty bottles, or 2) bottles filled with any beverage never intended for staving off dehydration.)”

“In addition, you will provide for yourselves the standard compliment of the following: books, writing/drawing paper, playing cards, pencils, pens, crayons, CD players, mp3 players, hand-held games and small toys. These items are important against the threat of boredom, bickering and smacking among you people; high blood pressure spikes and homicidal or suicidal ideations in your father.”

“Our objective must be attained no later than 1015 hours. We will depart the staging area no later than 0830 hours in a high state of readiness. All latrine necessities must be accomplished prior to departure. No toleration will be afforded despite any whining, crying or pleading while en route. Consideration may be extended for the most creative and vigorous potty dances only on a case-by-case basis.”

“Alright, men, ah, girls, oh hell, you know who you are, you have your orders.
May God bless us in our endeavors and may God bless America!”